Friday, 29 February 2008

Prince Harry, Coming at You

Here I am again poo-chatters! That's right, Bertram is in Poo Chat overload. After seeing the pictures of my Godson Harry Wales (I suppose most of you refer to him as Prince Harry), I decided you'd all love a peek into what the future holds for world's coolest Royal.

So without further a-do, I give you Prince Harry:

Hi, poo-chatters how are you all getting on? Captain Harry Wales at you service. Bertram informs me that you've all just become aware of my Afghanistan adventure, well, if you liked that: you haven't seen anything yet!

In a week (or possibly two) you will hear that I managed to resolve the issues over there with a combination of hard fighting and serious party action. Yep, those Taliban buggers just needed a swift kick up the arse, followed by a jolly good knees-up.

So here's the debrief: Ghurkha Jim (my best army bud') and I got sick of kicking our heels in front of the press ("awful people" as Dad might groan), so we hatched a plan to sort out this terrible mess. After all it's about time us Royals did something useful.

We strapped on our SA80 assault rifles and ran at the Taliban trenches, the most cunning part of this plan was making Ghurkha Jim wear absolutely nothing, except a pair of fishnet tights (to slightly preserve his modesty). I, of course, was dressed as Poll Pot (I'm trying to "collect the set" of genocidal maniacs).

As soon as we leapt over the enemy trench those silly bastards started pissing themselves. At this point Ghurkha Jim and I decided: shooting them would be poor form. We spent the next two days kicking everybody we came across straight up the arse-hole. That seemed to sort things out, although if I'd have found that dirty-dibo* Ossama I might have made him drink so much Pimm's that his blood sugar would have been off the scale.

Once everyone was back on the straight and narrow it was time to party! Ghurkha Jim emptied his rucksack revealing a mountain of blue-Aftershock (he loves that shit), the Tallywhackers** took one sip and changed the rules of Islam. The party lasted two weeks (it all got a bit stilly once the heroin was being passed around though; those buggers know how to make the good shit).

Anyway, best dash off I'm sorting Iraq out next week (Chelsy wants to come too, silly trout).

Love to you all

Captain Hazza

* Bertram here, "dibo" is Harry's name for Diabetic people; god knows what he's got against them.

** Tallywhackers is Captian Hazza's affectionate name for the Taliban

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